Prayer Challenge – Day 6

“I will look favorably upon you, making you fertile and multiplying your people. And I will fulfill my covenant with you. You will have such a surplus of crops that you will need to clear out the old grain to make room for the new harvest! I will live among you, and I will not despise you. I will walk among you; I will be your God, and you will be my people,” Leviticus 26:9-13.

Father, continue to give breath to my family’s and my prayers. Jump start the heart beat of my desire as I cover my family from head to toe in Your word. Let my family and I replace our sinful desires with a burning desire for You, God. Let Your promises give life to the cry of our hearts. Never let the waters of Your healing Presence run dry within our spirits. Keep our hearts turned toward to You. Let us bask in Your glory and eat of the fruit of Your spirit. Cleanse us in Your mercies and clothe us in the splendor of Your majesty.

I long for my family to shine brighter than diamonds in this world. As we do the work of Your Kingdom and let Your love bring healing and truth to the broken, let us be more precious than gold in Your sight. Lord, in Your unfailing love, please dip the ladle of mercy in the fountain of Your grace and let it rain down blessings on my family and me as we journey toward the Cross. Our eyes and hearts are fixed on You. All the days of our lives Your praises are on our lips and our thoughts are fixed on Your laws. We love You, God. May Your light always shine for us.  In Jesus’ sweet name I pray.  Amen.

Pride:

  • Proverbs 16:18 – “Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.”

Prayer: Connor and Blake are not prideful or haughty. Their paths will not lead to destruction and they will not fall. Lord, examine my sons’ motives and find them to be pure. My sons fear You and they avoid evil. They live lives pleasing to You and even their enemies are at peace with them. Connor and Blake listen to instruction and they will prosper. They trust You, Lord, and they find fullness of joy in Your presence. Your grace is sufficient for Connor and Blake. Your strength is made perfect in their weaknesses. Therefore my sons will gladly boast in their infirmities, needs and trials and Your power, Lord Jesus, will rest on them. Because when they admit their weaknesses to You, they receive supernatural strength. Through their honesty and humility Your grace and power go to work in the arenas they struggle in most and they are released from the bondage of sin; free to live in victory in You, Jesus.

  • Proverbs 29:23 – “Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.”

Connor and Blake are not brought to humiliation because they are not prideful. You honor them Lord, because they are humble. My sons do not lose their tempers like fools but they keep quiet because they are wise. They are slow to anger and rich in love. The words of their mouths are pleasing in Your sight, God. Connor and Blake seek Your counsel in all they do, Lord, and You grant them success. They do not follow the desires of their flesh but they follow You and Your will for their lives.

  • Job 33:17 – “He makes them turn from doing wrong; he keeps them from pride.”

Prayer: Father, You make Connor and Blake turn from doing wrong and You keep them from pride. Only You can change their hearts and their desires Lord. Only You can place Your Spirit in them and make them obedient to You and Your laws. My sons do not have hearts of stone but hearts of flesh. They are responsive to Your voice, to Your will, to Your love. They fall on their knees before Your throne and forfeit their lives to You. Connor and Blake are Your obedient servants, they are Your loving sons and faithful vessels for the weight of Your glory. Use them! God, when they pray to You accept them. Receive my boys with joy. Restore them to good standing. Let them declare with their mouths that sin is worthless. Keep them silent and responsive, Father, and teach them Your wisdom.

  • Leviticus 26:19- “I will break your proud spirit by making the skies as unyielding as iron and the earth as hard as bronze.”

Prayer: Please break Connor and Blake’s spirits, Lord, and keep them from pride. Do not make the skies unyielding or the earth hard for them. Bless the work of their hands. Cause them to prosper in all they do. My sons will not set up idols in their hearts; they serve You alone! Make them lie down and sleep without fear; keep them safe. Make their enemies fall at their feet and shut their mouths so they cannot speak against C & B. Fulfill Your covenant with my sons, Lord.

  • Proverbs 13:10- “Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.

Prayer: Father, do not let Connor and Blake be led to conflict through the trap of pride. Instead, teach them to heed Your commands and take advise from godly counsel. My sons are wise for they heed Nick’s instruction, they are not mockers who ignore rebuke. They do not have an appetite for violence but they delight in Your laws and seek lives of peace and meekness. C & B guard their lips and You preserve their lives, Lord. You fully satisfy my sons’ desires for they are diligent. Connor and Blake are shielded by Your righteousness, Lord God, they have great integrity.

  • Proverbs 21:24- “Mockers are proud and haughty; they act with boundless arrogance.”

Prayer: Connor and Blake are not proud or haughty; they do not act with boundless arrogance. Lord in Your loving hands the hearts of my sons flow like rivers channeled toward all that pleases You. Connor and Blake are not foolish. They know that Your ways are right, God, and that their steps are directed by Your word. My sons understand that they can’t do anything without You. Weigh their hearts, God, and see that their motives are pure. Search them and know them; they love and honor You with all of their hearts, souls and strength. My sons do what is just and pleasing in Your sight, Father, and their sacrifices are acceptable to You. May Connor and Blake bring You joy all the days of their lives, Father.

  • 2 Corinthians 7:4- “I have the highest confidence in you, and I take great pride in you. You have greatly encouraged me and made me happy despite all our troubles.”

Prayer: God, Connor and Blake have the highest confidence in You. They take great pride in You and Your laws. Lord, You have greatly encouraged my sons and in You their joy is complete despite their troubles. My sons purify themselves from everything that contaminates their bodies and spirits; they concentrate on perfecting holiness out of reverence for You. My sons do not fear bad news. Their hearts are steadfast, trusting in You.

  • Galatians 6:4 – “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.”

Prayer: Connor and Blake pay careful attention to their own work and they get the satisfaction of a job well done. They don’t need to compare themselves to anyone else. My sons will never fall prey to envy. They walk the paths that You have laid out for them, Lord, and they are glad in You. They lean not on their own understanding. They seek Your wisdom and guidance in all they do. Connor and Blake know that You have good plans for them, Father. Plans to prosper them and give them a hopeful and bright future.

  • Psalm 36:11 – “Don’t let the proud trample me or the wicked push me around.”

Prayer: Connor and Blake will not be trampled by the proud or pushed around by the wicked, Lord. Your favor and love will never leave them. You go before them, God, and You lead them to victory. My sons are bold and courageous. You cover them with Your feathers and undr Your mighty wings they find refuge.

  • 1 Samuel 2:3 – “Stop acting so proud and haughty! Don’t speak with such arrogance! For the Lord is a God who knows what you have done; he will judge your actions.”

Prayer: Connor and Blake do not act proud or haughty. They do not speak with arrogance. You judge the actions of my sons; You know what they have done. They follow Your will for their lives. They long to live for You and they put Your desires above their own. May You find that my sons always do what is right in your eyes. Let Connor and blake follow Your laws with diligence and seek You with all of their hearts, God.

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Uncensored

Disclaimer:  if you are easily offended don’t read this post.  These are the ramblings of an emotional and sometimes irrational woman.  There is no fluidity here, no creative flair; just the mess that has been cluttering up my mind and my heart.  Words spewed on a page in hopes of freeing myself and confessing my feelings to God; a way for me to be honest with myself without getting so bogged down in the self talk.  I just want to get this out of my head and get some sleep!  So here goes:

As a part of my new year’s resolution I have decided to devote more time to my relationship with God.  In my mind this resolution is far better than spending more time in the gym or obsessing over my weight and physical appearance.  It’s definitely a better way to spend my time than spinning my wheels on a treadmill to squeeze into the next smallest size.  Ok sorry, I digress; back to my resolution.  At this time in my life spending more time with God is easier said than done.  Hence starting my resolution on January 2nd…

Day one:  This morning I woke up too early – my kids were still asleep, that’s early!  I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t; I think God was reminding me of the promise I had made to myself and to Him.  I admit that I was a little annoyed; couldn’t I have started on my resolution a little later in the day?  Apparently not, so I reluctantly got out of bed and opened up my “Pathway to Miracles” book; I wasn’t ready to start on the Bible right away.  I only got through a couple of pages before the water works started…I should have expected it.  I had been putting God off for too long, compartmentalizing Him and His opinions.  Apparently I still think I can control my life and my relationship with God.  Sometimes I feel like its easier if it’s one way communication; my way… I say what I want when I want and then shut the door when I don’t like what I hear.  Yet I get angry when God is silent or too distant when Im  looking for an answer.  I want my cake and I want to eat it too.  What’s wrong with that? 

As I continued to read about midnight miracles I got so mad at God.  Where was my midnight miracle?!!  I realized that I was holding this huge grudge against Him; I finally faced the truth.  I was doubting His faithfulness and actually losing my trust in Him.  How could this be? I had always prided myself on my great faith in my great God yet where had my faith been these past few months? This hurt and anger I was holding onto had pushed me into a completely foreign place; a place of doubt and hopelessness.  I have never been here before.  Even when I was fighting for my son’s life I had held my ground through my faith in my unshakable Savior.  Why had I suddenly lost my footing?

In March of 2011 I felt like the Holy Spirit spoke to me during a time of prayer and told me to celebrate Passover; to speak that my family, that Bob had been passed over by cancer and death.  That we would receive our healing miracle once and for all after Passover.  Even the night before Passover I felt the need to claim a midnight miracle.  I so desperately believed that during such a great time of darkness our God would come through and rescue us!!  I was so confident in God and His covenant with my family and me that I didn’t allow an ounce of doubt or unbelief to camp in my head or my heart.  Immediate healing was in the bag…or so I thought.  But its been nine months and still no physical break through.  No confirmation if a miracle I so strongly believed for.  Ironically, instead of my family being rid of the mother fucking cancer my grandma was diagnosed with leukemia for the second time!!!!  Are you kidding me?  This bullshit is almost laughable…almost.  So…no sudden healing after Passover, just more sickness.  Ha!  Then to top it all off I started to be heavily attacked by fear.  Fear of my Connor getting sick again.  That this was yet another cycle of sickness plaguing my family.  My family’s 1st round of sickness went something like this:  Bob got sick, grandma got sick, Connor got sick…I guess the enemy saw a weakness in my armor and hit me with his best shot.  It seems so irrational to even think about Connor getting sick again.  But a few months ago it drove me into a pretty deep spell of depression and anxiety.  I could hear my faith and the truth of God’s word telling me that Connor wouldn’t get sick again, that this was just the enemy playing with my head but I couldn’t stop it.  I just kept spinning out of control and instead of reaching for my lifeline in God I resigned to it.  I embraced the comfort of disconnection.  I just stopped trying to ignore it, stopped trying to dig myself out; and I was too hurt and disappointed to call on God.  Would He let me down again? 

Reading my book today brought back this overwhelming flood of feelings.  I really felt like God was reaching out to me, asking me to come back to Him; to let go of my anger and hurt and let Him heal me, restore me.  I want to be close to Him again, to live in faith and hope like before…but I have conditions.  I want answers, I want what I feel was promised to me, to Bob, to my mom.  I want this nightmare to end once and for all.  To have peace and health restored to my family.  We deserve it damn it!!  We have been through more than our share of sickness and pain in less than a decade.  What blessings are waiting for us after this is over?  Do I want them?  Will it ever be over on this earth?  Bring our breakthrough and I will put more effort into our relationship.  Putting my demand on paper like a contract with God seems funny yet so theraputic.  Who am I to demand things of the creator of the universe?  Who am I to tell Him when and how to move? 

I know I shouldn’t black mail God with my demands but I’m just so pissed off!!!!  I feel so misled and then guilty for allowing myself to feel this way about God after all He has done for me; I have been blessed with so much and given so many miracles already!!!  How dare I be so selfish and ungrateful.  But at the same time the anger is such a nice distraction from the hurt and sadness.  So while I am on the topic of anger I’m going to keep venting…

People who feed me Bible verses on perseverance and tribulation; the people that recite them like we are in Sunday school together.  Their arms practically shoot up as they wiggle with the excitement of having the “right answer”.  They’re so proud of themselves, so sure that they’re doing their duty as fellow Christians.  But I find no comfort in their robotic chants, no sympathy in their eyes.  I just feel more anger and resentment.  Who do they think they are to try and “school me” on God’s plan for my family?  What do they know about His purpose for our suffering?  Most of the people feeding me this practiced and insincere drivel have never even had a bad hair day much less dealt with cancer twice in two family members, let alone once.  Have they ever fought for their unborn child’s life?  Battled fear so great it was tangible?  Fear that almost took on a physical appearance? Have any of these people ever watched their mom crack under the pressure of holding herself together day in and day out while her husband battles cancer again?  I won’t even mention the every day struggles that wouldn’t be so staggering if they weren’t on top of everything else.  Yes, life does go on in spite of the onslaught of battle.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I guess…but who wants to be this strong? 

More venting about annoying people commences here:  What about the people who have lost loved ones in their own battles with death?  They are the worst people to talk to.  It’s almost as if they want you to join their “club”; no thank you.  Or worse yet, they try to make you feel guilty for asking for a miracle.  They taunt you with, “Was my faith not great?  Does God love you more than me?  You were given miracles already, why don’t you just be thankful for what you have and stop asking for more.”  Then there are the people who tell you that you can’t believe for a miracle.  They contradict the Bible and my deepest seeded beliefs with every breath yet they are so bold in their proclamations; I would feel sorry for them if I wasn’t so angry.  To all of “those” people:  I don’t know why my loved ones have lived and yours haven’t.  I know God doesn’t love me more than He loves you.  And please don’t tell me what I can and can’t ask God for.  Thank you.  Try not to make my pain about you.  Do you think I asked for this?  And PLEASE don’t tell me “to whom much is given, much is required”…I know, I know; can’t I be human sometimes and just vent without someone think I’m losing my religion?

Ok, I feel a little bit better after getting all of this crap out of my head.  I think the venting can stop for the time being.  I hope I didn’t hurt anyone with my bluntness…these are just my feelings, my random thoughts spilled out on a page in the hopes of making some sense of them.  I still love you God and I still trust you but I just want my miracle.  Haven’t my family and I run the race marked out for us?  Haven’t we been a good example?  What else do You want from us before we have a breakthrough?  Did I even hear You last April?  God don’t let me doubt Your voice… I need You so much; I am so hungry for Your presence.  I want You to change me, to change others through me.  I am just so desperate for You to move in my life and in my family.  But first I need Your help forgiving You and quieting the enemy.  Ironic, huh?  I need Your help forgiving You…does that even make sense?  Judge my heart Lord.  You know me.  Please help.