I found this draft from June of 2012. Just about a month after my grandma died. Re-reading it, I can’t help but think how crazy it is that one one unanswered prayer caused so much uncertainty. How one unanswered prayer felt like such a failure. How it rocked my world. How it made me question everything I had known. Crazier still, God didn’t get offended by my questions. He didn’t write me off as ungrateful. He didn’t rudely remind me of the healing miracles He had previously blessed me with. He didn’t remind me of the 5 extra years He had given grandma after her first diagnosis. No. Instead He comforted me. He loved me. He strengthened me. He answered me when I called and sat quietly by my side when I didn’t want to talk. He mended my heart. He was gentle and kind. He let me cry and scream and throw fits and ask questions and demand answers. He let me ignore His love. He let me grieve how I needed to grieve. And when I needed Him he was always there with just the right words and gestures. He was faithful. And I am thankful.
“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come,” 2 Corinthians 1:20-21.
How many promises have you made me, God? Are the promises you have made me the promises that you have made to all of your children? Are they the promises in the Bible? Promises of protection, provision, love, strength, courage, healing, joy, strength, hope? Are they promises that are freely given or promises that are contingent upon me doing something? Like having faith, praying, believing, being obedient? Have you given me specific promises? Yes. How are all promises, “yes,” in Christ? I don’t understand. Through Jesus, the “amen,” is spoken; does this mean it is answered through Jesus? Does that mean victory comes through Jesus? My victory brings you glory. Does my failure bring you glory? Yes. But how? Because of Romans 8:28? Because I can’t see the big picture but you can? Because my suffering produces eternal blessings? Because I am able to help others because of my pain and failure? Because my failure is room for you to move on my behalf? Because you never call me to do anything that I can do without you?
I am your anointed. My family is your anointed, Lord. Your seal of ownership is on us. It is within us. Your spirit is alive in us and we are covered in your son’s blood. We are covered. Your spirit in us is a deposit of what is to come in Heaven? Of the comfort and peace and love that is awaiting us? Of the hope that is ours in eternity? Because we are yours we are promised eternity with you, free from the curse. We are promised life abundantly. Are the promises of the Bible applicable in Heaven? Does the Bible speak of eternity more than the present? Does the Bible speak of eternity when it speaks of all the good things, all the plans? Am I to be so eternity minded that I don’t pay attention to this life? Am I to believe that all of this life is to be hard and full of suffering and we are only to be rewarded and comforted in Heaven? Why then, do we pray? Why have faith? Only to please you? Can we not move your hand? Does our faith not move you? What about the people in the Bible? What about those who changed your mind? What about those who prayed and received? What about the times we prayed and received?
Help us to understand. Help me to understand. Open our minds. Open our hearts. Speak to our spirits. Comfort us. Strengthen us and give us peace. Love us completely. Let our heart healings begin in earnest. Protect us and provide for us. Hold us together so we will not be ripped apart. Rebuild us into something better. Give us wisdom, Lord. Give us understanding. I am begging you. And strengthen and build our faith. Build our trust in you. Give us hope that will not fade with the trials of this life.