This is for you, Caitlin. Thank you for encouraging me to keep writing even when it hurts.
It’s been three and a half months since my grandma passed and maybe a month since I have seen a yellow butterfly. I feel like I’ve been abandoned for good and it hurts. I’ve spent the past month begging God to: show me more butterflies, to shower me with his love, to open my eyes to wonderful things in his law and to remind me of my grandma’s continued love and presence in my life. God is faithful to answer His children. Last night, I had my very first dream about my grandma since she passed. I don’t usually remember my dreams, but I remember this one. Grandma came to me as I was crying for her. She just appeared out of nowhere, like a messenger from above. I can’t picture her face now, but I see her hands and I felt her presence. In my dream, I watched as she pulled a small piece of paper out of nowhere and lovingly wrote, “Psalm 118:3”. Even now, I can still see the words so beautifully scrawled on the small, gray scrap of paper. I would recognize the handwriting anywhere. It’s the same handwriting on all of the birthday cards and recipes she gave me over the years. It’s funny how something as simple as someone’s handwriting can bring you back to another time and place. Her handwriting brings me back to happy times, times when she was still alive. When grandma had finished writing, she gave me the slip of paper and then she left as quickly as she had come; and I was once again alone with my sadness.
When I woke up this morning, all I wanted to do was see my grandma and feel her arms around me; I miss her hugs. I wanted to breathe her in and just be near her. But instead, I sobbed in the shower and cried out to God. These days my prayer time consists mostly of crying and talking to my grandma. This morning was no different. As the water ran over my face and intermingled with my salty tears, I told my grandma how much I miss her and I begged God to make things better. Again, my Father answered and over the sound of my cries I heard, “I love you,” and I saw the scrap of paper that grandma had given me in my dream, with Psalm 118:3 written on it in the handwriting that I love so much. Though this act of love from my Heavenly Father didn’t take away my pain he was answering my tear-soaked prayers. He was sending me word of His unfailing love. After my shower, I looked up Psalm 118:3, it reads: “Let the house of Aaron say: His love endures forever.”
What an awesome and mighty God I serve. How humbled I am that not only does He see and hear my pain but He answers me. This verse that the Holy Spirit gifted to me through a dream of my grandma is God’s way of reminding me of His unfailing love and His continued presence in my life. Even though things are dark and gloomy right now, His light will always shine on my family and me. He loves us and He will never leave us or forsake us because He promised and my God is always true to His promises and loving toward all He has made. Psalm 118:3, written in my grandma’s handwriting, is just a sweet reminder of a God who knows me intimately and loves me on a deep and personal level. A deep enough level to know that all I really wanted was a little bit of my grandma’s love and attention. All I really wanted was to know that she is still with me. So though I still hurt so deeply and though I know that this is not something that will pass quickly, I am still so thankful that God gave me this dream, this verse and I find such peace in knowing that no matter what, I will always have His love.