Helpless

I hate that I am questioning things that were always just a given as far as I was concerned.  Things that seemed so simple are now incredibly confusing.  I have so many un-answered questions.  My mind reels from the constant barrage of questions and the  flight of thoughts that ensues.  I have been thinking in circles and confusing myself even more.  If this madness doesn’t end my head may just explode.  Or I will end up in the loony bin; sadly, I don’t know if I would mind that so much.  Maybe they would hook me up with some good drugs, much-needed quiet time and my own therapist.  My stresses and mounting “to-do” lists wouldn’t matter there.  Or maybe they would.  I have no idea.  I have no idea what to do or say about anything any more.  It’s so weird.  I’m pretty helpless. 

My kitchen isn’t finished so my house is in total disarray; the boys and I moved in with my parents until the house is livable again.  I can’t fix the Haley situation; there are way too many layers there.  I can’t fix things for grandpa no matter how hard I try.  I guess part of me thinks that if his house is always clean and he always has food on the table, things will be better.  If the boys and I spend time with him every single day then he will be happier.  But I don’t know.  Sometimes, the more I’m there, the angrier I am.  Sometimes it’s harder to be there because I miss grandma more and other times it’s nice to just be in her house and around grandpa.  I don’t know what I want or need.  My poor kids are in limbo.  I’m supposed to be able to make things ok for them.  I’m supposed to be able to give them a stable environment.  But I can’t right now.  My environment isn’t stable.  My mind isn’t focusing.  My heart isn’t whole.  I’m just not myself.  I just wish things were happy and normal again.  I just want grandma back.  I want my life back. 

 

 

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