I hate that I am questioning things that were always just a given as far as I was concerned. Things that seemed so simple are now incredibly confusing. I have so many un-answered questions. My mind reels from the constant barrage of questions and the flight of thoughts that ensues. I have been thinking in circles and confusing myself even more. If this madness doesn’t end my head may just explode. Or I will end up in the loony bin; sadly, I don’t know if I would mind that so much. Maybe they would hook me up with some good drugs, much-needed quiet time and my own therapist. My stresses and mounting “to-do” lists wouldn’t matter there. Or maybe they would. I have no idea. I have no idea what to do or say about anything any more. It’s so weird. I’m pretty helpless.
My kitchen isn’t finished so my house is in total disarray; the boys and I moved in with my parents until the house is livable again. I can’t fix the Haley situation; there are way too many layers there. I can’t fix things for grandpa no matter how hard I try. I guess part of me thinks that if his house is always clean and he always has food on the table, things will be better. If the boys and I spend time with him every single day then he will be happier. But I don’t know. Sometimes, the more I’m there, the angrier I am. Sometimes it’s harder to be there because I miss grandma more and other times it’s nice to just be in her house and around grandpa. I don’t know what I want or need. My poor kids are in limbo. I’m supposed to be able to make things ok for them. I’m supposed to be able to give them a stable environment. But I can’t right now. My environment isn’t stable. My mind isn’t focusing. My heart isn’t whole. I’m just not myself. I just wish things were happy and normal again. I just want grandma back. I want my life back.