Breaking thrift store dishes is a great way to release tension. I know that now. Thanks Holly! It felt so good to feel the weight of the dishes in my hands and just throw them without a second thought. Hearing the sound they made as they broke apart was even better. I love that sound. It’s so freeing. Hearing something break gives it’s demise a sense of finality. It makes it real. Maybe that’s why breaking things is a good way to deal with anger. It’s just not a solution. Nope. The release isn’t permanent. The stress that was relieved by breaking dishes yesterday returned just as quickly as it left; it was all too temporary for my liking. But I guess it wasn’t supposed to fix the problem. It was just to help vent some of the stress and crazy emotions caused by the problem.
I wish all of my negative emotions were as tangible as those dishes. I want to hold them and feel their weight. I want to look at them and then, without regret or hinderance, I want to throw them. I need to see them explode as they hit the wall. I want to watch as each horrible, painful shard scatters on the floor. But more than anything I want to hear them break. I need to hear that beautiful, freeing sound. I need that sense of finality. I need it to be over. Like taking out the trash; I want to take the trash out of my life, out of my spirit. Get lost anger, sadness, doubt, fear, regret, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, confusion, aggravation, frustration, loss of control, emptiness, misery, jealousy and un-forgiveness!!!!! I picture myself reaching deep within and pulling every soul-binding, evil, deadly emotion from my soul. They’re sturdy and thick, like the dishes. I allow myself to hold them, to control them, staring at them as I plot their ruin. I pull my arm back, ready for the pitch. My emotional baggage feels cold and heavy in my hand; I can’t wait to get rid of it. Without hesitation, I throw them, one by one, as hard as I can; satisfaction welling up inside of me as my hand lets go and they rocket toward the unforgiving, cement wall. Words can’t describe the awesome sound of victory as every piece of my emotional baggage breaks against the wall and falls to the ground in pieces. But even in my daydreams it’s not the end. The emotions keep coming back. My arms grow tired as I try to keep up with the mounting dishes. I break and break but they never go away. No matter how hard I try, I can’t break them all.
Somehow I need to stop the spread. I need to get to the root of this crap and get free. I need to stay free. To actively avoid offense and embrace forgiveness. To trust that vengeance and punishment are God’s. I need to focus on him and his love. I need to let go and walk away; I need to figure out how to walk away. But first I have to commit to this. Am I ready to do this, to let God all the way in? To let him be my healer? Can I really hand over my deepest hurts and most intense rage? Will I? I don’t know yet. I do know that the path to freedom is not easy. I keep fighting and striving for something that has already been given to me. The battle has already been won. I need to be still and rest in God’s truth and love. Peace comes with trusting him and putting faith in his word but I’m not so sure that means that I have to be devoid of emotion. Rather, I need to let God help me harness my emotions. They can’t lead me. They can’t dictate my life.
God, help me. I don’t understand all of this. I don’t know what lies ahead. I just know that I trust you and your plan for my family and me. I know that you will never leave us and you will bring us to the place you promised. You will bring us into eternity with you. Until then, I need your love and peace even more than yesterday. I need it to be visible, tangible and personal. I need it to be real and relevant. I need it now. My family needs it. Wrap us up and put us in a cleft in the rock. Let trouble pass us by as you shelter us with your feathers. Let your wings be our refuge. Be our shelter and our deliverer. Be our peace of mind and strength of heart. Be the anchor to which our ropes of faith and hope are tethered. You are our life line. Support us and provide our every need. Carry us and mend our hearts and souls. Let this growing season be also full of hope and your light. Don’t let this pain drag us down; take it away and heal us. Restore us and lift us up. Let us prove faithful. Let us endure and persevere. Let us make you proud. Dole out your grace and mercy and understanding in supernaturally large measure. Let it overflow. And don’t let any of this go in vain. Use this; our pain, our disappointment, failure, weakness, doubt, fear, weariness, and bitterness for your glory. Turn it around. Out of these ashes we will rise and we will be stronger in you. We will have a more steady foundation in our relationships with you. We will not grow apart, but together. Let our testimony be filled with your praises. Show us how to overcome and give us the strength to do it. Help us to apply the Balm of Gilead in good measure to our wounds and let it bring a break through. Cultivate the fruit of the spirit in each and every one of us and let our harvest be great.