Stepping Outside of Myself

My parents got my family an iPad; they are too good to us!! Bob says it’s because I’m one of his care takers through the transplant but I think its because he and my mom want to face chat with the boys. Either way, I’m thankful for their generosity. I downloaded a few games for my boys to play; coloring, drawing, and some educational ones too. They love it! Unfortunately, as with all things they both love they fight over it. So today I had, had my fill of arguing and I put the iPad away; waterworks and mass hysteria commence here. Once the screaming and pleading stopped and I occupied them with other things I thought we were in the clear at least until tonight; I was wrong. Connor doesn’t forget anything, ever. His mind is a steel trap; for better or worse. He began to beg me to play. He would whisper in my ear so as not to let his brother in on his plans, “Mom, can I draw when Blake goes to sleep?” “Mom, when is Blake gonna take a nap? Is it time?” On and on with the questions. I just couldn’t handle anymore and apparently he couldn’t either because he just broke down. “Mom! Why is it taking so long? (he pleaded through tears)”. That’s when it hit me. I had a total “aha moment”, an epiphany. Not so long ago I had a melt down with God similar to the one Connor just had with me. I asked God the same thing, “Why? Why is it taking so long?” I questioned his ways, his timing, his plan just as Connor questioned mine. Funny. It’s so obvious to me that I know better than Connor. There is no doubt. So why was it not so obvious to me that God knows better than me? Was I annoying and frustrating to God when I had my melt down? Did he feel his heart breaking when I cried out to him in my pain and ignorance just as I felt mine breaking from Connor’s pain?

I’m sorry Lord. I’m sorry for my doubt. My impatience. My bad attitude. I’m just so sorry. I know that you know better. Your ways are higher than mine. You love me and you are not allowing me to feel pain for no reason. I trust you and I promise to do better next time.

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