I have been at war with myself today. It’s like I have split personalities. I feel myself on the verge of a freak out but I can’t stop it. I just explode for the stupidest reasons. It’s so infuriating and incredibly ironic at the same time. My biggest prayer lately has been for peace. I have been focusing on living in peace and defeating stress and anxiety in my life. The more I seek peace the more it seems to evade me. My quest for peace and truly resting in God has proved harder than I thought. But it has led me to some insightful inner reflection.
Do and I truly have unwavering faith in God and His plan for my life? Do I trust God completely? What does faith look like? When faced with trials, how did Jesus act? Would he consider my faith great? The fact that I am struggling with anxiety and stress would suggest that I am not whole-heartedly entrusting my life to God. It would suggest that my faith is failing. But how? How can that be? I have seen so many miracles in my life. I have had so many prayers answered. I have been so blessed by God. I know what standing on the Word of God and having unwavering faith produces; miracles! I have had the patience and faith to run the race marked out for me. I have been in the valley of the shadow of death where faith in God was all I had and that was enough for me. So, why am I questioning my faith?
I know that everything in my life will work out for good because I love God and I have been called according to His purpose.
I know that Bob and grandma will not die but live and declare the works of God. Cancer has been defeated. I know this as truth.
I know that having surgery is the right thing to do for Blake. God directs our footsteps according to His Word. I know that God will work through Dr. Chan to bring Blake total and complete healing. Blake is fearfully and wonderfully made.
I know that God is my provider. He supplies all of my needs. I shall not want.
I walk by faith and not by sight. Let every man be a liar; God is the truth.
My conclusion is that I’m not lacking faith. I just need an attitude adjustment. I need to learn to control my emotions. I need to learn that I cannot control God’s timing and that even the small things should be entrusted to God. Faith works for everything not just life and death situations (which happen to be my specialty).
In these trials I will focus on letting go of all of the control I think I have. I will leave my burdens big and small at Jesus’ feet and trust that every aspect of my life is important to Him. He is with me in the big storms and the small storms. His plan and His timing are best. I can’t see everything that is going on behind the scenes. I don’t know the big picture. I will let God handle it from now on. I will relax and think before I react. Peace that passes all understanding will guard my heart and mind. My faith will override my emotions. It will override my need to control. It will override any and all anxiety and unrest in my life. I will be slow to anger and rich in love. I will be more of a “go with the flow” person. In every circumstance that arises in my life I will either be kept from falling or fall into God’s arms. Either way, God’s got me, and I trust Him completely.
Colossians 3:15 Amplified Bible:
“And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].”
I believe God led me to this verse today with a little help from my mom and a lot of discernment. I will meditate on this verse and ask God to give me wisdom and understanding regarding its application in my life.
Thank you God, for guiding me and having patience with me while I am in this refining place. I love you.