I was going through my drafts from a couple of months ago and I found this…
I feel like I am on a merry-go-round.I don’t like merry-go-rounds. I hate to spin. Being dizzy is not fun for me, it makes me sick…literally. I need my world to stand still. Right now I feel like I am on a super nauseating merry-go-round and I can’t get off. It keeps spinning faster and faster and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I scream out, “God! Where are you? Make this stop; NOW!” I barely hear His still, small voice amidst my own thoughts. He says, “I am here. Do you trust me?” Uh oh.
I do trust you God. But I don’t want to go where I think this path leads. It’s not fair. We have done this before. Three times we have fought death, the enemy, fear, disease and disbelief. Three times YOU have carried us through to victory. Must we really go there again? I’d rather leave my sword on the battlefield and let it rust and decay. I’d much rather remember the miracles you performed rather than believe and beg for more. I am thankful for all that you have done. Don’t you know that? Do I not live in thanksgiving? Do I not tell you every day? Have we squandered the 2nd chances you have given us? Is there still more for us to learn from all of this? Are there more lives to be transformed? Will this complete Bob’s healing? What about grandma? What’s next? All of these questions make my head spin. I’m still on this merry-go-round. Jesus be my focal point. I need to focus on you and let all the rest fade away.If I do this, the spinning will stop. If I meditate on Your word night and day I will find peace and strength. I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.
I resist the enemy and he must flee from me. I draw near to God and he draws near to me. I have the mind of Christ. Fill me with your peace, Lord. I need you so much. I will not waver, I will not doubt. I will not be double-minded. I will make my thoughts and actions line up with Your word. You are the way, the truth, the life. It is in You that I will rest. It is through you that I will be led to victory once again.