Disclaimer: if you are easily offended don’t read this post. These are the ramblings of an emotional and sometimes irrational woman. There is no fluidity here, no creative flair; just the mess that has been cluttering up my mind and my heart. Words spewed on a page in hopes of freeing myself and confessing my feelings to God; a way for me to be honest with myself without getting so bogged down in the self talk. I just want to get this out of my head and get some sleep! So here goes:
As a part of my new year’s resolution I have decided to devote more time to my relationship with God. In my mind this resolution is far better than spending more time in the gym or obsessing over my weight and physical appearance. It’s definitely a better way to spend my time than spinning my wheels on a treadmill to squeeze into the next smallest size. Ok sorry, I digress; back to my resolution. At this time in my life spending more time with God is easier said than done. Hence starting my resolution on January 2nd…
Day one: This morning I woke up too early – my kids were still asleep, that’s early! I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t; I think God was reminding me of the promise I had made to myself and to Him. I admit that I was a little annoyed; couldn’t I have started on my resolution a little later in the day? Apparently not, so I reluctantly got out of bed and opened up my “Pathway to Miracles” book; I wasn’t ready to start on the Bible right away. I only got through a couple of pages before the water works started…I should have expected it. I had been putting God off for too long, compartmentalizing Him and His opinions. Apparently I still think I can control my life and my relationship with God. Sometimes I feel like its easier if it’s one way communication; my way… I say what I want when I want and then shut the door when I don’t like what I hear. Yet I get angry when God is silent or too distant when Im looking for an answer. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. What’s wrong with that?
As I continued to read about midnight miracles I got so mad at God. Where was my midnight miracle?!! I realized that I was holding this huge grudge against Him; I finally faced the truth. I was doubting His faithfulness and actually losing my trust in Him. How could this be? I had always prided myself on my great faith in my great God yet where had my faith been these past few months? This hurt and anger I was holding onto had pushed me into a completely foreign place; a place of doubt and hopelessness. I have never been here before. Even when I was fighting for my son’s life I had held my ground through my faith in my unshakable Savior. Why had I suddenly lost my footing?
In March of 2011 I felt like the Holy Spirit spoke to me during a time of prayer and told me to celebrate Passover; to speak that my family, that Bob had been passed over by cancer and death. That we would receive our healing miracle once and for all after Passover. Even the night before Passover I felt the need to claim a midnight miracle. I so desperately believed that during such a great time of darkness our God would come through and rescue us!! I was so confident in God and His covenant with my family and me that I didn’t allow an ounce of doubt or unbelief to camp in my head or my heart. Immediate healing was in the bag…or so I thought. But its been nine months and still no physical break through. No confirmation if a miracle I so strongly believed for. Ironically, instead of my family being rid of the mother fucking cancer my grandma was diagnosed with leukemia for the second time!!!! Are you kidding me? This bullshit is almost laughable…almost. So…no sudden healing after Passover, just more sickness. Ha! Then to top it all off I started to be heavily attacked by fear. Fear of my Connor getting sick again. That this was yet another cycle of sickness plaguing my family. My family’s 1st round of sickness went something like this: Bob got sick, grandma got sick, Connor got sick…I guess the enemy saw a weakness in my armor and hit me with his best shot. It seems so irrational to even think about Connor getting sick again. But a few months ago it drove me into a pretty deep spell of depression and anxiety. I could hear my faith and the truth of God’s word telling me that Connor wouldn’t get sick again, that this was just the enemy playing with my head but I couldn’t stop it. I just kept spinning out of control and instead of reaching for my lifeline in God I resigned to it. I embraced the comfort of disconnection. I just stopped trying to ignore it, stopped trying to dig myself out; and I was too hurt and disappointed to call on God. Would He let me down again?
Reading my book today brought back this overwhelming flood of feelings. I really felt like God was reaching out to me, asking me to come back to Him; to let go of my anger and hurt and let Him heal me, restore me. I want to be close to Him again, to live in faith and hope like before…but I have conditions. I want answers, I want what I feel was promised to me, to Bob, to my mom. I want this nightmare to end once and for all. To have peace and health restored to my family. We deserve it damn it!! We have been through more than our share of sickness and pain in less than a decade. What blessings are waiting for us after this is over? Do I want them? Will it ever be over on this earth? Bring our breakthrough and I will put more effort into our relationship. Putting my demand on paper like a contract with God seems funny yet so theraputic. Who am I to demand things of the creator of the universe? Who am I to tell Him when and how to move?
I know I shouldn’t black mail God with my demands but I’m just so pissed off!!!! I feel so misled and then guilty for allowing myself to feel this way about God after all He has done for me; I have been blessed with so much and given so many miracles already!!! How dare I be so selfish and ungrateful. But at the same time the anger is such a nice distraction from the hurt and sadness. So while I am on the topic of anger I’m going to keep venting…
People who feed me Bible verses on perseverance and tribulation; the people that recite them like we are in Sunday school together. Their arms practically shoot up as they wiggle with the excitement of having the “right answer”. They’re so proud of themselves, so sure that they’re doing their duty as fellow Christians. But I find no comfort in their robotic chants, no sympathy in their eyes. I just feel more anger and resentment. Who do they think they are to try and “school me” on God’s plan for my family? What do they know about His purpose for our suffering? Most of the people feeding me this practiced and insincere drivel have never even had a bad hair day much less dealt with cancer twice in two family members, let alone once. Have they ever fought for their unborn child’s life? Battled fear so great it was tangible? Fear that almost took on a physical appearance? Have any of these people ever watched their mom crack under the pressure of holding herself together day in and day out while her husband battles cancer again? I won’t even mention the every day struggles that wouldn’t be so staggering if they weren’t on top of everything else. Yes, life does go on in spite of the onslaught of battle. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I guess…but who wants to be this strong?
More venting about annoying people commences here: What about the people who have lost loved ones in their own battles with death? They are the worst people to talk to. It’s almost as if they want you to join their “club”; no thank you. Or worse yet, they try to make you feel guilty for asking for a miracle. They taunt you with, “Was my faith not great? Does God love you more than me? You were given miracles already, why don’t you just be thankful for what you have and stop asking for more.” Then there are the people who tell you that you can’t believe for a miracle. They contradict the Bible and my deepest seeded beliefs with every breath yet they are so bold in their proclamations; I would feel sorry for them if I wasn’t so angry. To all of “those” people: I don’t know why my loved ones have lived and yours haven’t. I know God doesn’t love me more than He loves you. And please don’t tell me what I can and can’t ask God for. Thank you. Try not to make my pain about you. Do you think I asked for this? And PLEASE don’t tell me “to whom much is given, much is required”…I know, I know; can’t I be human sometimes and just vent without someone think I’m losing my religion?
Ok, I feel a little bit better after getting all of this crap out of my head. I think the venting can stop for the time being. I hope I didn’t hurt anyone with my bluntness…these are just my feelings, my random thoughts spilled out on a page in the hopes of making some sense of them. I still love you God and I still trust you but I just want my miracle. Haven’t my family and I run the race marked out for us? Haven’t we been a good example? What else do You want from us before we have a breakthrough? Did I even hear You last April? God don’t let me doubt Your voice… I need You so much; I am so hungry for Your presence. I want You to change me, to change others through me. I am just so desperate for You to move in my life and in my family. But first I need Your help forgiving You and quieting the enemy. Ironic, huh? I need Your help forgiving You…does that even make sense? Judge my heart Lord. You know me. Please help.