Feeling Blah…

I know that God is faithful to complete the good work he has started and I have faith in him and ALL of his promises; I’m just angry and annoyed with his plan at the moment.  I know that his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts I just wish that he would let me call the shots this time.  I know he has good things in store and I don’t want to settle for lesser things, I just want what I want and I want it now.  Sometimes I wish I could just act like a toddler/preschooler and not be judged for it.  I’d like a quick miracle.  I’d like God to step in and show us Bob’s manifestation now!  WITHOUT CHEMO!  WITHOUT the aid of medicine.  Why can’t we have that happen this time?  Why do we have to walk this out again?  I know that he is healed.  I’d just like to see it now and I’d like him to FEEL it now.  Right now, please.  How many times must we be broken, God?  Are we that stubborn?!  You must love us a lot more than we can fathom.  We sure feel the discipline as of late. 

Adding to my wish list, I’d like to ask for you to transfer my faith to Bob for just a little while.  Or could you just double my faith and split it in half?  Half for me and half for Bob?  I don’t know why it is so easy for me to believe your word, claim your promises for myself and those I love, and speak in faith.  It sounds bad when I say it out loud, but why is it so hard for some people to act on their faith?  Why is it so hard for some people to speak in faith?  I know that Bob has faith.  He really does.  I just don’t think that he has figured out how to call things that are not as though they are yet.  At least not when he is feeling sick.  He feels sick and he feels tired and he is speaking out of his flesh.  Instead of saying, “I feel so tired but thank you God for healing me and for giving me strength.”  He says, “I feel so tired.  I feel so sick.”  He speaks in faith and then he speaks in sickness.  Does he know that he is undermining his faith and the power of his words with those statements?

Why have I been given the gift of faith?  If my faith was not so strong would my oldest son be alive today?  Would my baby have a whole heart?  Would I be blessed as much as I am?  I don’t want to be angry with him but I can’t help it.  I want to shake him.  I want him to guard his thoughts and his words and speak God’s word REGARDLESS of how he feels.  I have done it and I know he can too!  JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!!!!! 

God please forgive this rant.  Please judge my heart and know that I am walking in faith and living in thanksgiving.  I am keeping an attitude that is pleasing to you.  I just need to vent.  I am venting to you.  When I speak to Bob I will speak kind words that are healing to his bones and that bring health to his body.  Forgive me for not praying as much as I should be.  I have let myself get bogged down with life.  I am never too busy to dig into your word.  I am fasting and praying and believing that we will have a break through after Passover.  That Bob’s faith and the words of his mouth will line up.  That the meditations of his heart and the words of his mouth are pleasing in your sight.  The door posts of his heart are covered in the blood of the lamb.  You have spread out your mighty wings of protection in front of Bob and told the destroyer that he SHALL NOT pass!  Bob has been passed over.  We will wait patiently for your deliverance.  We are resting in you.  We trust you always.  Your plan is perfect.  Your timing is perfect.  Grant peace and understanding to my parents.  Cover them in your love and fill them with your strength.  Speak for them.  Give them wisdom.  Strengthen their faith and guard their hearts and minds.  They have the mind of Christ.  We love you.

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